A Woman's Guide to Picking Up Hitchhikers

Let me guess what you're thinking...."What?!?! You PICKED up a HITCHHIKER?!? That's crazy!  You could've been killed!"  Yes, I picked up a hitchhiker and I know I could've been killed. Call me crazy. I'm a girl. I was alone. I could've been hacked into pieces, blah blah blah.  BUT before you REALLY think I'm crazy and stupid, let me tell you my story and then you can judge for yourself if I really am crazy and stupid. So this is how my awesome Houston hitchhiker story goes...

It was 6 days before Christmas. I had been listening to Christmas songs and dreaming  of a white Christmas. [Perhaps being in the Christmas spirit might have played a part in my impulsiveness that day, but then again, I probably would have done it anyway because I'm not that religious.]  I was on my way to Houston for a photoshoot and to visit family. Shortly after I started heading East on Hwy 290, I saw a guy sitting on the side of the road at the gas station, holding a sign that said, "To Houston (Montrose)." I didn't get a real good look at the guy or anything since I was in a fast moving vehicle.  But instantly, my unfiltered thoughts were, "well, I'M going to Houston. If there's someone that needs a ride, why not give him a ride?" Seriously, that was all I thought before I took the next turn-around and headed back to the gas station.   

Here's my perspective behind this: What if we didn't live in a society where we were inundated with depressing news of random shootings, murders, rapes, kidnappings, burglaries, terrorism, etc? What if there was no crime, no evil? What if we lived as humans should live together...in love, peace, and respect for one another? Imagine that for just a moment. [Seriously, pause and give it some thought. Close your eyes if that helps.] Then imagine a situation where you are driving somewhere and you saw someone who needs a ride to the exact same place you are going.  Would you even hesitate to give that person a ride? Would you even question for just a second that that person could be some crazy pyscho that will chop you up in pieces? I don't think so. If you're an average sane human being, your good Samaritan human instincts would tell you to do the right thing and give that person a ride.  It should be that simple, right? 


Now, imagine you're back in the real world. In two seconds, your mind would be flooded with paranoid thoughts of how you might be killed with an axe and buried in pieces, etc. If you grew up watching Freddy the 13th, Jason, Poltergeist, or Pet Cemetary, I'm sure you can conjure up all sorts of gory scenarios. [By the way, I don't like and refuse to watch horror movies because of this.] But, you won't immediately realize that those paranoid thoughts are precisely the result of our (crazy) society invading the purity and goodness of our human nature. Personally, I think that's sad and depressing to think that we live in a society that IS that scary -  that we are  afraid of helping a fellow human for the sake of protecting our lives. Honestly, I think THAT'S crazy. It just doesn't feel right to me. How would you feel if you were stranded one day and had to hitchhike for a ride?  Wouldn't you just want a kind person to give you a friendly ride and not think that you're an ex-convict axe-murderer going to kill them?


Ok, hopefully I made my point and convinced you that I'm not crazy.  But I haven't convinced you that I'm not stupid either.  You're probably thinking..."Get down from Cloud 9 you crazy girl because we DON'T live in your dream world and we DO live in a scary world. There ARE crazy people out there that will kill you." True. You're absolutely right. I'm not totally naive and stupid enough to think that I'm always safe from crime and evil and everyone out there is inherently good. So, I tried to be smart about it at least. 


This is my woman's guide to picking up a hitchhiker:

• He was young, under 30 years old. Plus, under all the facial hair, you could tell that he was good-looking but that doesn't matter. It was just a lucky bonus.
• He had dreadlocks. I know this is stereotyping but it's a good stereotype and I would bet my life (and I was right) that guys with dreads are hippie types that make peace, not war.
• He was dressed in pants held together by a whole bunch of patches, actually in several pants and in several layers of shirts. This means he was a serious hobo gypsy traveler type. I don't know about you, but they're my kind of people.
• He had a backpacker backpack. If they don't look like they're really traveling then you can assume they're in a different type of situation, though that doesn't eliminate the fact that they may still need help.
• He had a guitar. My theory is that musicians are creative, not cruel, nor criminals. Brilliant theory, isn't it?
• I also checked his I.D. He didn't have a license, but he had a passport. That says A LOT to me, personally.  He's smart enough to have a passport and even better that he's a worldly traveler. [The statistic varies, but according to an article in the New York Times, the State Dept. estimates that only around 27% of Americans own a passport.]
• He was just trying to see his good friend in Houston that he hadn't seen in a long time. I think that's simple and sweet.
• He was kinda stinky, but that was a good thing in this case. :)
• Given all that... I've backpacked and lived around the world by myself so trust me, I have enough experience (and never a bad one, thankfully). I can say with confidence that I trust my instincts. If you don't trust yourself, then who can you trust? [On a side note, I must say that of all the places I'ved lived and traveled in, the U.S. is the place that I feel the most unsafe. Just something to ponder.] 

So do you still think I'm stupid? Perhaps. But anyway, you know that the story doesn't end with me being chopped up and buried in the bushes somewhere in BFE, Texas. To continue with the story, I picked up the hitchhiker and we shared a deep conversation about life, art, music, kids, travel, etc... We listened to Pink Floyd and had an enjoyable ride to Houston. He kept me company, we had great conversation, I got him safely to his destination, and even met his friend. In fact, I am even Facebook friends with both of them! Needless to say that I didn't do it to get anything out of it, but I was rewarded for my good deed with a bowl, Jim Beam, and VIP seats to good live music.  However, I am absolutely positive that my real reward will come as good karma in disguise at some point, if not already. Besides that, it simply felt good to help someone out and make him happy...and not just one person, I made two people happy.  They literally jumped for joy and hugged and screamed like little girls when they saw each other.  And it really really touched me and made me so happy to see two grown boys hugging like that! So, as crazy and stupid as it may have been, I followed my heart and I know I did the right thing.  Love, Peace, and Happy Hitchhiking!       

Disclaimer: For your safety, La Pham Nikita does not encourage women (or men) to pick up hitchhikers and even if you do, I cannot guarantee an experience as pleasant as mine.  But if you choose to do so, please be safe and use good judgement.  I don't do it regularly or pretend to think it is a smart and safe thing to do for a single woman, but I just trust my instincts that much and consciously choose to live my life this way, as pure and good-hearted as possible, uncontaminated by society, seeking adventure at my own risk and hitchhiker-friendly. But, I will probably delete this post when my children are able to read.  This is just a post to stimulate your thoughts and provoke some conversation about the society we live in and how it affects our thinking and our human relationships.

Caption: This is the photo of the hitchhiker and his friend.  They were both extremely talented musicians and I was lucky they didn't chop me up, but instead sang and played beautiful music for me. How blessed am I?

He's definitely not into you...or maybe he's just not ready.

He's Just Not That Into You: by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Note to the Reader: I've always wanted to have my own love/relationship/sex column like Carrie Bradshaw and this is my attempt at writing a Sex in the City type column. Let's love lots and have fun with me! :) What should I call my column?  And thank you to all my wise family and friends who have supported me, shared their love, their stories, and gave their advice to me through my adventures of "dating" and finding the love of my life.

My book review: Ok, here's the real deal. This book can be harsh, obvious and even silly, but it is an enjoyable light read and there are a lot of good tips you can and should use, when applicable. AND, it gives both the guy and girl perspective, well-balanced and funny. I was dating someone I liked when I first read it and my reaction was, "OMG, they're totally describing my guy!" But, of course, I liked the guy and didn't want to believe that any of it applied to my situation. Well, now it's been 8 months of being single, "dating" and I've learned many lessons after reading this book and watching the movie. So, this post is a summary of my real live dating experiences in connection to the book He's Just Not That Into You, a personal journal entry for myself, and perhaps can offer a few wise tips for smart dating to minimize  negative impact on el corazoncito.  ***note: I know I'm risking a lot with past and current men I may be so-called "dating" and my future prospects but if it offends you, I'm sorry, it's not meant to. Also, I'm not scared because whoever loves me will love me for all that I am (and will see the love, humor, honesty and self-reflection in this post, even after they read this). Period.

My movie review: 4.5/5 stars, but then again, I love light-hearted romantic comedy chick flicks and I'm not ashamed to say it. So, go see it with your girlfriends or take your girl out. I promise you you'll get a good laugh. Just take it for what it is and you won't be disappointed.  Plus, there are a lot of famous actors and it's a Drew Barrymore-produced film.  Who doesn't love Drew Barrymore? :)

My dating credibility: I'm not an expert by any means, but I've been around the block...a few times. I've gotten out of a 3.5 year relationship earlier this year and even though I didn't want to date and don't even know what dating means, I somehow ended up "dating" several guys the last 8 months and still attempting it. Wish me luck! I'm also keeping an open mind about eHarmony and had membership for several months now, though I admit I'm not a very active member and haven't actually gone out on any dates yet. Nevertheless, it's a different approach, gives me more options, time-efficient, and it can't hurt, right? (except my bank account, but what's money if I find true love?)

My dating review of the last 8 months: It has surely been lots of fun and excitement (well, maybe not for my friends who went through it all with me), but also daunting and unfortunately led to some heartache.  It's all part of life, enjoying both the sunny days and the cloudy days for what they are. Some days I struggle but ultimately I know that I've met wonderful new people: male and female, shared love, laughter, conversations, chilled, danced, shared the love of art, food, culture, photography, music, pool, camping, biking, and all things Austin. I truly believe there's a reason why people connect in life.  And every person that comes into my life are special to me! So through the happiness and heartaches this past year, I've learned quite a bit about men and dating, but more importantly, a lot about who I am and what I'm looking for. I've learned from my experiences, my mistakes,  this book, and from consulting with friends (male, female, single, married, gay...the whole shabbam). I always do my research and have to have a well-balanced perspective on things. In reflection of my love life in 2009, I think I've learned a few things that I want to share with you before the year is over, ladies and gents alike.

Dating tips for the ladies:

Tip #1. You can show interest, but definitely let him pursue you.  How else would you REALLY know he's into you if you do all the work? I know, I'm one of those confident modern-day gals that likes to go after the guys I like, and it works most of the time, but it leaves you not really knowing if he would have pursued you if you didn't or you end up in a relationship where you love him more than he loves you. And in the long run, it doesn't work.

Tip #2. Go slow and be patient. This means don't reveal everything about yourself so fast, don't get physical right away, and don't always be available. Holding hands, hugs, kisses, and snuggling are all good but hold off on the sex until you really get to know someone and they get to know you. I have such a hard time with this one. I'm patient everywhere else but impatient when it comes to love and I'm really comfortable being open about myself. We women like to talk and share a lot but this can be overload for a guy in the beginning. Guys don't know how to take in all that information and what to make of you. Unfortunately, sometimes they can make judgments about you that are not accurate but that is because they haven't the chance to really get to know you and understand you yet.  About the sex part, don't mistake me for being old-school because believe me, I'm planets away from traditional. But, as women, we have to admit that most of us can get emotionally attached when we have sex with someone. Who wouldn't? We're not built like men. It is a very intimate thing to share with someone and unless you're a sex fiend like Samantha from Sex in the City, it is extremely difficult to separate mind (or heart in this case) and body.

Tip #3. Friends first and foremost. After all this time and having never had a relationship that started out as friends first, I realize now how important it is to build a solid friendship before getting hot and heavy in a relationship. Like they say, marriage without friendship is like building a house on sand. It's so true! If there's no foundation, it's bound to fall. I'm not married yet, but I can only imagine how a marriage can fall apart if you don't have a good friendship. That said, I know in reality it doesn't happen that way. Physical chemistry gets the best of us and it's what often happens first. It's the "butterflies in my stomach" feeling when we're instantly attracted to someone. We've all been there and done that. But, when you ask yourself how many of those relationships worked, I'm willing to bet they didn't last too long. When I look back at my relationship record, I have to admit that 4.75 out of 5 started off with physical attraction. And don't get me wrong, because I'll be the first to raise my hand and say that physical attraction and sexual chemistry with someone is very important. But sometimes friendships stay friendships or relationships become friendships.  In any case, friendships can blossom and are always a blessing because friends are what makes life beautiful and worthwhile. I know I couldn't live without my friends. It's not easy, but that's why you go back to tip #2! Go slow and be patient.

The bottom line is: If there's any uncertainty, he's just not ready. When he's ready, he will show it and you will know it! Or maybe you're also not ready. It may not be the right time. I really believe in the physics of time and how it factors into relationships.  Sometimes you just know. And sometimes it happens really slow.  I've yet to experience any of this, but I've witnessed it dozens of times with friends and I would swear by it. For example, my new favorite Indian couple friends that I have the honor of doing her wedding henna for. Congratulations!

Dating tips for the guys: (this part is easy!)

Tip #1. If you like her, go after her. It's flattering when someone shows interest in us. Just be polite, sweet, and genuine.

Tip #2. If you just want to get in her pants, be honest about it and make that crystal clear.  Sometimes we're ok with that and sometimes we're not. If you're lucky, then you'll get the "we're ok with that" girl and you won't have to deal with the messiness later. It's that simple.

Tip #3. If you don't want to continue dating her or being in a relationship with her, just be honest and respectful. I know you don't want to hurt our feelings, but we can handle the truth if it's done respectfully and sincerely. Communication is key.

Disclaimer: La Pham Nikita is not responsible for any dating disasters or broken hearts (and I'm so sorry, it sucks) but please let me know if you used my tips and found true love.  That would be so lovely to know! Now I just need to use my own advice....

***note to all the boys I've loved before:  Always my love, peace, and friendship. :)
To all my single lady friends, let's have fun together and share a funny story with me. :)

The Phamily's escape...for the "American Dream"

In March 1980, my parents fled Vietnam, their homeland. I was only 16 months old and a tiny baby girl that used to ride in the front basket of my grandfather's bicycle. I have no memory of it all, the suffering, the boat escape. Yet, I can play it in my mind like it was an old movie I've seen long ago. There was not a day that my Dad failed to remind my siblings and I to thank God that my Phamily was so blessed to have survived the War, the boat escape, and for everything that we have today. I almost feel like I lived it with all the stories my Dad told and repeated throughout my childhood (and to this very day). But I’m also glad I don’t remember. When I think of my parents today, I simply cannot imagine what it must have been like for them to escape by boat, leave their loved ones, and risk their own lives for freedom. This is the story of my Phamily's escape and of thousands of Vietnamese boat people.

We were a young family of 6, my Dad, 40 years, my Mom, 29 years, my sister, 9 years, my brother, 6 years, myself, and my younger sister, 6 months cozy in my Mom's belly. My Dad was a lieutenant in the South Vietnamese Army and a history and geography teacher before that. He had just spent 2 years in "re-education camp" where he invented a mousetrap with his bowl of rice just to have protein to survive. My Dad was anxious and desperate to get on the first boat out of the country. After multiple failed attempts and losing all their life savings to scammers, my grandmother was able to borrow enough money, around 6k USD in 1980, for my Dad and brother to try again, to leave on an organized boat escape. My Dad did not want to leave my Mom and I behind, but he had no choice. We didn't have enough money. This time, my parents' luck turned around. The organizer was a very honest and good-hearted man. He let my sister go for free and got all three of them safely to a refugee camp near Bangkok, Thailand. They sailed for 2 days 2 nights. They were so thirsty that when it rained, my Dad caught drops of rainwater in his palms for my sister, just barely enough to wet the tongue. Stubborn and determined (and rightfully so), my Dad pleaded to the organizer to get my Mom on the next boat escape even though it was not in the plans to do so.  The man promised he would go back and get my Mom. He told my grandmother he would take no one else except my Mom on the next trip.  My grandmother had only from 1PM to 7PM to beg and scramble another 4k USD. This was A LOT of money back then, probably more than all the life savings of a whole village.  The next morning, my Mom and I left for the coast. I was so small, I went free. With God protecting us, my Mom's boat was safe from the Thai pirates who attacked the boats and raped and killed the women and men.  This was another miracle. My Dad said my Mom and I survived the 3 day boat trip only because of a lemon juice and sugar solution he had made but had forgotten. This was a huge blessing, 3 lives saved for the cost of 1. After weeks of seeing boat after boat unload and no wife and daughter, my Dad had lost hope. On April 30, 1980, which happened to be the 5th year anniversary of the Fall of Saigon, his friend said that his wife had arrived on a boat. My Dad didn't believe him and thought he was joking but when he saw my Mom and I, he couldn't be a happier man. When my Dad tried to hold me, I wouldn't let him, but I'm sure I was happy to see him too.  The months at the refugee camp were harsh. We had lost all our jewelry that was sewn in our clothes. My sister did not want my Dad to sell the gold necklace because it was a souvenir that my Mom had given her. In the end, it fell out of my Dad's shirt pocket where he had pinned it, so they had nothing. My Mom was pregnant and we kept crying for food.  We survived only on a bottle cap of water and an egg a day, for the whole Phamily. My brother and sister split the egg and my Dad ate just rice and soy sauce.

Only a short 5 months later, my Phamily was sponsored to Michigan by my uncle and a few loving families from a Detroit Catholic Church. Sponsoring Vietnamese refugees was a very controversial issue at the time. And we were sponsored because we met the condition that we were a "complete" family, which was very rare. On October 15, 1980, we arrived in Detroit, Michigan, where my Mom saw snow for the first time and thought it was cotton balls falling from the sky! It is amazing that in a short span of 6 months, my Phamily had split, escaped, survived, reunited, had a baby, and started a new life, pursuing the "American Dream." This is why my Dad named my sister "Freedom."  Some say the “American Dream” is dead. It’s not. My parents' dream started on a boat and they were blessed by God, miracle after miracle.  They found life where there was death all around.  Now, their journey continues with me, the pursuit of love, peace, freedom, and happiness - the "American Dream" with my own little twist.