He's definitely not into you...or maybe he's just not ready.

He's Just Not That Into You: by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Note to the Reader: I've always wanted to have my own love/relationship/sex column like Carrie Bradshaw and this is my attempt at writing a Sex in the City type column. Let's love lots and have fun with me! :) What should I call my column?  And thank you to all my wise family and friends who have supported me, shared their love, their stories, and gave their advice to me through my adventures of "dating" and finding the love of my life.

My book review: Ok, here's the real deal. This book can be harsh, obvious and even silly, but it is an enjoyable light read and there are a lot of good tips you can and should use, when applicable. AND, it gives both the guy and girl perspective, well-balanced and funny. I was dating someone I liked when I first read it and my reaction was, "OMG, they're totally describing my guy!" But, of course, I liked the guy and didn't want to believe that any of it applied to my situation. Well, now it's been 8 months of being single, "dating" and I've learned many lessons after reading this book and watching the movie. So, this post is a summary of my real live dating experiences in connection to the book He's Just Not That Into You, a personal journal entry for myself, and perhaps can offer a few wise tips for smart dating to minimize  negative impact on el corazoncito.  ***note: I know I'm risking a lot with past and current men I may be so-called "dating" and my future prospects but if it offends you, I'm sorry, it's not meant to. Also, I'm not scared because whoever loves me will love me for all that I am (and will see the love, humor, honesty and self-reflection in this post, even after they read this). Period.

My movie review: 4.5/5 stars, but then again, I love light-hearted romantic comedy chick flicks and I'm not ashamed to say it. So, go see it with your girlfriends or take your girl out. I promise you you'll get a good laugh. Just take it for what it is and you won't be disappointed.  Plus, there are a lot of famous actors and it's a Drew Barrymore-produced film.  Who doesn't love Drew Barrymore? :)

My dating credibility: I'm not an expert by any means, but I've been around the block...a few times. I've gotten out of a 3.5 year relationship earlier this year and even though I didn't want to date and don't even know what dating means, I somehow ended up "dating" several guys the last 8 months and still attempting it. Wish me luck! I'm also keeping an open mind about eHarmony and had membership for several months now, though I admit I'm not a very active member and haven't actually gone out on any dates yet. Nevertheless, it's a different approach, gives me more options, time-efficient, and it can't hurt, right? (except my bank account, but what's money if I find true love?)

My dating review of the last 8 months: It has surely been lots of fun and excitement (well, maybe not for my friends who went through it all with me), but also daunting and unfortunately led to some heartache.  It's all part of life, enjoying both the sunny days and the cloudy days for what they are. Some days I struggle but ultimately I know that I've met wonderful new people: male and female, shared love, laughter, conversations, chilled, danced, shared the love of art, food, culture, photography, music, pool, camping, biking, and all things Austin. I truly believe there's a reason why people connect in life.  And every person that comes into my life are special to me! So through the happiness and heartaches this past year, I've learned quite a bit about men and dating, but more importantly, a lot about who I am and what I'm looking for. I've learned from my experiences, my mistakes,  this book, and from consulting with friends (male, female, single, married, gay...the whole shabbam). I always do my research and have to have a well-balanced perspective on things. In reflection of my love life in 2009, I think I've learned a few things that I want to share with you before the year is over, ladies and gents alike.

Dating tips for the ladies:

Tip #1. You can show interest, but definitely let him pursue you.  How else would you REALLY know he's into you if you do all the work? I know, I'm one of those confident modern-day gals that likes to go after the guys I like, and it works most of the time, but it leaves you not really knowing if he would have pursued you if you didn't or you end up in a relationship where you love him more than he loves you. And in the long run, it doesn't work.

Tip #2. Go slow and be patient. This means don't reveal everything about yourself so fast, don't get physical right away, and don't always be available. Holding hands, hugs, kisses, and snuggling are all good but hold off on the sex until you really get to know someone and they get to know you. I have such a hard time with this one. I'm patient everywhere else but impatient when it comes to love and I'm really comfortable being open about myself. We women like to talk and share a lot but this can be overload for a guy in the beginning. Guys don't know how to take in all that information and what to make of you. Unfortunately, sometimes they can make judgments about you that are not accurate but that is because they haven't the chance to really get to know you and understand you yet.  About the sex part, don't mistake me for being old-school because believe me, I'm planets away from traditional. But, as women, we have to admit that most of us can get emotionally attached when we have sex with someone. Who wouldn't? We're not built like men. It is a very intimate thing to share with someone and unless you're a sex fiend like Samantha from Sex in the City, it is extremely difficult to separate mind (or heart in this case) and body.

Tip #3. Friends first and foremost. After all this time and having never had a relationship that started out as friends first, I realize now how important it is to build a solid friendship before getting hot and heavy in a relationship. Like they say, marriage without friendship is like building a house on sand. It's so true! If there's no foundation, it's bound to fall. I'm not married yet, but I can only imagine how a marriage can fall apart if you don't have a good friendship. That said, I know in reality it doesn't happen that way. Physical chemistry gets the best of us and it's what often happens first. It's the "butterflies in my stomach" feeling when we're instantly attracted to someone. We've all been there and done that. But, when you ask yourself how many of those relationships worked, I'm willing to bet they didn't last too long. When I look back at my relationship record, I have to admit that 4.75 out of 5 started off with physical attraction. And don't get me wrong, because I'll be the first to raise my hand and say that physical attraction and sexual chemistry with someone is very important. But sometimes friendships stay friendships or relationships become friendships.  In any case, friendships can blossom and are always a blessing because friends are what makes life beautiful and worthwhile. I know I couldn't live without my friends. It's not easy, but that's why you go back to tip #2! Go slow and be patient.

The bottom line is: If there's any uncertainty, he's just not ready. When he's ready, he will show it and you will know it! Or maybe you're also not ready. It may not be the right time. I really believe in the physics of time and how it factors into relationships.  Sometimes you just know. And sometimes it happens really slow.  I've yet to experience any of this, but I've witnessed it dozens of times with friends and I would swear by it. For example, my new favorite Indian couple friends that I have the honor of doing her wedding henna for. Congratulations!

Dating tips for the guys: (this part is easy!)

Tip #1. If you like her, go after her. It's flattering when someone shows interest in us. Just be polite, sweet, and genuine.

Tip #2. If you just want to get in her pants, be honest about it and make that crystal clear.  Sometimes we're ok with that and sometimes we're not. If you're lucky, then you'll get the "we're ok with that" girl and you won't have to deal with the messiness later. It's that simple.

Tip #3. If you don't want to continue dating her or being in a relationship with her, just be honest and respectful. I know you don't want to hurt our feelings, but we can handle the truth if it's done respectfully and sincerely. Communication is key.

Disclaimer: La Pham Nikita is not responsible for any dating disasters or broken hearts (and I'm so sorry, it sucks) but please let me know if you used my tips and found true love.  That would be so lovely to know! Now I just need to use my own advice....

***note to all the boys I've loved before:  Always my love, peace, and friendship. :)
To all my single lady friends, let's have fun together and share a funny story with me. :)

A Quick-y Turkey Chili

On a cold and wet day in Austin, there's nothing I crave more than a hearty and healthy chili that's quick and easy to make. I try to substitute turkey for beef whenever possible because it's a healthier option and you can't even tell the difference. (oh, and this is not the turkey left over from Thanksiving, haha!) Keep in mind that I don't usually cook with specific recipes so you need to trust your taste buds.  Don't worry, this is so easy you can't go wrong. So, in less than 45 minutes, you can have a hot savory chili to eat for yourself!

Ingredients:

1 package of ground white turkey (19.2 oz/1.2 lbs)
3 14.5 oz cans of chili ready tomatoes (you can use regular diced tomatoes as well)
1 15 oz can of red kidney beans
2 small yellow onions or 1 medium to large onion, chopped
*2 handfuls of chopped baby carrots (I like the added crunch and beta-carotene)
*2 stalks of chopped celery or 1 can of corn
4-5 cloves, chopped (I like a lot of garlic but you can adjust to your liking)
2-3 tablespoons ground cumin (adjust to taste)
2 tablespoons chili pepper or cayenne pepper (adjust to taste)
1 tablespoon olive oil
salt and pepper to taste

*optional:  I always add additional veggies if I have it and need to use it. It adds extra crunch and nutrition or if you like southwestern style chili

Cook the ground turkey on medium-high heat in a stock pot with olive oil, the chopped onions and garlic and season with the cumin and chili pepper.  When the turkey is cooked, add the 3 cans of tomatoes and the chopped carrots and optional veggies.  Let it simmer on low-medium heat for 15-20 minutes until the carrots are cooked but not too mushy (unless you like it mushy).  Strain and add the red kidney beans at the end so they don't get mushy. Salt and pepper to taste although you won't need much salt if you use the chili ready tomatoes. Add more cumin and chili pepper if you want more flavor and spice. I also add crushed red pepper or jalapenos because I like my chili spicy. Then enjoy with saltine crackers, shredded cheese, and/or bread. Or if you like it real southern, you can make it a Frito pie with corn chips.

Transformation...

The theme is "Transformation." How fitting as I feel like I've been morphing and transforming this whole year - from cooking to modeling, from aspiring entrepreneur to artist. I just submitted 2 experimental pieces of 12 x 12 x 2 wood panels for the Maranda Pleasant Holiday Art Box Show. Neither of my pieces turned out as I had envisioned, of course. Nevertheless, this is a tres cool art event that I'm happy and excited to be part of for the first time.   Art, food, wine, music. Perfect! I got a sneak peak and it's amazing to see how a 12x12 frame can be transformed into so many one-of-a-kind pieces of art!

I had spent a few weeks doing research and contemplating what kind of mediums to use: paper, pen, paint, natural dyes, henna, goatskin, and thick leather scraps. I asked lots of art questions and bounced my ideas with artists and friends. (Thank you!) I've been spending after hours at Jerry's Artarama, Tandy Leather Factory, and Hobby Lobby. In the last 4 weeks, I discovered Faber-Castell Pitt Artist Pens (instead of black Sharpie markers), rapidiograph pen sets, how to use and color gesso, how to stain and stretch goatskin with henna, coffee, tea, wine, and how to silkscreen. All of this is completely new to me and the projects were entirely experimental. I love the challenge of trying to do something I've never done before. Creating art is a risky business but the excitement of the unknown is thrilling. I think I am mastering the art of improvisation but I have a lot to learn in finding my creative voice.  What is art what is not?  ...if it moves you, it's art.

Reflections on my 2 experiments...

"Meditation in Space"

As I was drawing the mandalas, I was meditating on the theme of "Transformation" and the meaning(s) of mandalas. I love the symbolism and the depth of the meanings of a mandala: the circle of life, a microcosm and macrocosm of the universe, a tool for meditation... It's fascinating how all things in nature are mandalas from the very nucleus of our body cells, to flowers, to our solar system. (also check out the Mandala Project) For this piece, I was attempting to transform my henna skills into a piece of art and drawing the mandalas was helping me find my center. It is of mandalas in space of different sizes and drawn freehand with sepia ink pen. I painted and sanded 4 layers of gesso and colored the gesso with coffee and tea. That was fun! Originally, I had sketched a large mandala  in the center and one in each of the 4 corners. However, it turned out to be the opposite, a lot of white space and a few small random mandalas. This was a very mentally challenging project for me, especially because I had stayed up all night working on the henna pea-drum project and was already mentally and physically drained. I did not sketch a detailed drawing beforehand. I make it up as the tip of my pen touches the board. I had to be extremely focused with a perfect steady hand. It's being in a meditative space and a calm state of mind. It's finding patience and balance. The most difficult part of it all was knowing when to stop and let go. I could have spent hours adding layer after layer of details but I decided to stop when one of the mandalas got a little smeared. I was gutted but I had to accept it. I do like the simplicity and the contrast between the details of the mandalas and the openness of the white space. As Carl Jung might say, "it is a representation of my unconscious self." Forever transforming...

"Henna Pea-Drum"

I spent most of my time researching, planning, and testing this piece and had high hopes for it but I ran into a lot of obstacles along the way. It was a very long process involving heating whole cloves, a blowdryer, ammonia, henna paste, lemon juice/sugar sealant, and other miscellaneous stuff. I wanted it to be a warm henna peacock on a goatskin canvas illuminated like a lamp. But it didn't quite make it. While I was shopping for the light for my henna peacock lamp, the man at Home Depot said to me, "the project took on a life of its own, huh? That happens!" Art (and life) certainly has it's surprises! Even though you try to plan things out, things don't always happen as you hope and that's ok too! I guess I can say it's at least a drum with a henna peacock on it. Practical art. A Henna Pea-Drum. Why not? In fact, one of my favorite nights of all my travels was spent deep in the Sahara Desert camping, drumming, singing, and speaking English, Arabic, and French with Moroccans and Berbers.  Totally exotic and in the rough...!  I will not give up on the henna lamp and drum idea.

...and through all of this "art" world, what I appreciate the most...

the inspiration
the visual connections
the energy felt
the ideas exchanged
the vibes
the chemistry
the excitement
the chaos
the craziness
the dedication
the perfection
the support
the friendships
the passion and love of creative expression...