He's definitely not into you...or maybe he's just not ready.

He's Just Not That Into You: by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Note to the Reader: I've always wanted to have my own love/relationship/sex column like Carrie Bradshaw and this is my attempt at writing a Sex in the City type column. Let's love lots and have fun with me! :) What should I call my column?  And thank you to all my wise family and friends who have supported me, shared their love, their stories, and gave their advice to me through my adventures of "dating" and finding the love of my life.

My book review: Ok, here's the real deal. This book can be harsh, obvious and even silly, but it is an enjoyable light read and there are a lot of good tips you can and should use, when applicable. AND, it gives both the guy and girl perspective, well-balanced and funny. I was dating someone I liked when I first read it and my reaction was, "OMG, they're totally describing my guy!" But, of course, I liked the guy and didn't want to believe that any of it applied to my situation. Well, now it's been 8 months of being single, "dating" and I've learned many lessons after reading this book and watching the movie. So, this post is a summary of my real live dating experiences in connection to the book He's Just Not That Into You, a personal journal entry for myself, and perhaps can offer a few wise tips for smart dating to minimize  negative impact on el corazoncito.  ***note: I know I'm risking a lot with past and current men I may be so-called "dating" and my future prospects but if it offends you, I'm sorry, it's not meant to. Also, I'm not scared because whoever loves me will love me for all that I am (and will see the love, humor, honesty and self-reflection in this post, even after they read this). Period.

My movie review: 4.5/5 stars, but then again, I love light-hearted romantic comedy chick flicks and I'm not ashamed to say it. So, go see it with your girlfriends or take your girl out. I promise you you'll get a good laugh. Just take it for what it is and you won't be disappointed.  Plus, there are a lot of famous actors and it's a Drew Barrymore-produced film.  Who doesn't love Drew Barrymore? :)

My dating credibility: I'm not an expert by any means, but I've been around the block...a few times. I've gotten out of a 3.5 year relationship earlier this year and even though I didn't want to date and don't even know what dating means, I somehow ended up "dating" several guys the last 8 months and still attempting it. Wish me luck! I'm also keeping an open mind about eHarmony and had membership for several months now, though I admit I'm not a very active member and haven't actually gone out on any dates yet. Nevertheless, it's a different approach, gives me more options, time-efficient, and it can't hurt, right? (except my bank account, but what's money if I find true love?)

My dating review of the last 8 months: It has surely been lots of fun and excitement (well, maybe not for my friends who went through it all with me), but also daunting and unfortunately led to some heartache.  It's all part of life, enjoying both the sunny days and the cloudy days for what they are. Some days I struggle but ultimately I know that I've met wonderful new people: male and female, shared love, laughter, conversations, chilled, danced, shared the love of art, food, culture, photography, music, pool, camping, biking, and all things Austin. I truly believe there's a reason why people connect in life.  And every person that comes into my life are special to me! So through the happiness and heartaches this past year, I've learned quite a bit about men and dating, but more importantly, a lot about who I am and what I'm looking for. I've learned from my experiences, my mistakes,  this book, and from consulting with friends (male, female, single, married, gay...the whole shabbam). I always do my research and have to have a well-balanced perspective on things. In reflection of my love life in 2009, I think I've learned a few things that I want to share with you before the year is over, ladies and gents alike.

Dating tips for the ladies:

Tip #1. You can show interest, but definitely let him pursue you.  How else would you REALLY know he's into you if you do all the work? I know, I'm one of those confident modern-day gals that likes to go after the guys I like, and it works most of the time, but it leaves you not really knowing if he would have pursued you if you didn't or you end up in a relationship where you love him more than he loves you. And in the long run, it doesn't work.

Tip #2. Go slow and be patient. This means don't reveal everything about yourself so fast, don't get physical right away, and don't always be available. Holding hands, hugs, kisses, and snuggling are all good but hold off on the sex until you really get to know someone and they get to know you. I have such a hard time with this one. I'm patient everywhere else but impatient when it comes to love and I'm really comfortable being open about myself. We women like to talk and share a lot but this can be overload for a guy in the beginning. Guys don't know how to take in all that information and what to make of you. Unfortunately, sometimes they can make judgments about you that are not accurate but that is because they haven't the chance to really get to know you and understand you yet.  About the sex part, don't mistake me for being old-school because believe me, I'm planets away from traditional. But, as women, we have to admit that most of us can get emotionally attached when we have sex with someone. Who wouldn't? We're not built like men. It is a very intimate thing to share with someone and unless you're a sex fiend like Samantha from Sex in the City, it is extremely difficult to separate mind (or heart in this case) and body.

Tip #3. Friends first and foremost. After all this time and having never had a relationship that started out as friends first, I realize now how important it is to build a solid friendship before getting hot and heavy in a relationship. Like they say, marriage without friendship is like building a house on sand. It's so true! If there's no foundation, it's bound to fall. I'm not married yet, but I can only imagine how a marriage can fall apart if you don't have a good friendship. That said, I know in reality it doesn't happen that way. Physical chemistry gets the best of us and it's what often happens first. It's the "butterflies in my stomach" feeling when we're instantly attracted to someone. We've all been there and done that. But, when you ask yourself how many of those relationships worked, I'm willing to bet they didn't last too long. When I look back at my relationship record, I have to admit that 4.75 out of 5 started off with physical attraction. And don't get me wrong, because I'll be the first to raise my hand and say that physical attraction and sexual chemistry with someone is very important. But sometimes friendships stay friendships or relationships become friendships.  In any case, friendships can blossom and are always a blessing because friends are what makes life beautiful and worthwhile. I know I couldn't live without my friends. It's not easy, but that's why you go back to tip #2! Go slow and be patient.

The bottom line is: If there's any uncertainty, he's just not ready. When he's ready, he will show it and you will know it! Or maybe you're also not ready. It may not be the right time. I really believe in the physics of time and how it factors into relationships.  Sometimes you just know. And sometimes it happens really slow.  I've yet to experience any of this, but I've witnessed it dozens of times with friends and I would swear by it. For example, my new favorite Indian couple friends that I have the honor of doing her wedding henna for. Congratulations!

Dating tips for the guys: (this part is easy!)

Tip #1. If you like her, go after her. It's flattering when someone shows interest in us. Just be polite, sweet, and genuine.

Tip #2. If you just want to get in her pants, be honest about it and make that crystal clear.  Sometimes we're ok with that and sometimes we're not. If you're lucky, then you'll get the "we're ok with that" girl and you won't have to deal with the messiness later. It's that simple.

Tip #3. If you don't want to continue dating her or being in a relationship with her, just be honest and respectful. I know you don't want to hurt our feelings, but we can handle the truth if it's done respectfully and sincerely. Communication is key.

Disclaimer: La Pham Nikita is not responsible for any dating disasters or broken hearts (and I'm so sorry, it sucks) but please let me know if you used my tips and found true love.  That would be so lovely to know! Now I just need to use my own advice....

***note to all the boys I've loved before:  Always my love, peace, and friendship. :)
To all my single lady friends, let's have fun together and share a funny story with me. :)

A Quick-y Turkey Chili

On a cold and wet day in Austin, there's nothing I crave more than a hearty and healthy chili that's quick and easy to make. I try to substitute turkey for beef whenever possible because it's a healthier option and you can't even tell the difference. (oh, and this is not the turkey left over from Thanksiving, haha!) Keep in mind that I don't usually cook with specific recipes so you need to trust your taste buds.  Don't worry, this is so easy you can't go wrong. So, in less than 45 minutes, you can have a hot savory chili to eat for yourself!

Ingredients:

1 package of ground white turkey (19.2 oz/1.2 lbs)
3 14.5 oz cans of chili ready tomatoes (you can use regular diced tomatoes as well)
1 15 oz can of red kidney beans
2 small yellow onions or 1 medium to large onion, chopped
*2 handfuls of chopped baby carrots (I like the added crunch and beta-carotene)
*2 stalks of chopped celery or 1 can of corn
4-5 cloves, chopped (I like a lot of garlic but you can adjust to your liking)
2-3 tablespoons ground cumin (adjust to taste)
2 tablespoons chili pepper or cayenne pepper (adjust to taste)
1 tablespoon olive oil
salt and pepper to taste

*optional:  I always add additional veggies if I have it and need to use it. It adds extra crunch and nutrition or if you like southwestern style chili

Cook the ground turkey on medium-high heat in a stock pot with olive oil, the chopped onions and garlic and season with the cumin and chili pepper.  When the turkey is cooked, add the 3 cans of tomatoes and the chopped carrots and optional veggies.  Let it simmer on low-medium heat for 15-20 minutes until the carrots are cooked but not too mushy (unless you like it mushy).  Strain and add the red kidney beans at the end so they don't get mushy. Salt and pepper to taste although you won't need much salt if you use the chili ready tomatoes. Add more cumin and chili pepper if you want more flavor and spice. I also add crushed red pepper or jalapenos because I like my chili spicy. Then enjoy with saltine crackers, shredded cheese, and/or bread. Or if you like it real southern, you can make it a Frito pie with corn chips.

Transformation...

The theme is "Transformation." How fitting as I feel like I've been morphing and transforming this whole year - from cooking to modeling, from aspiring entrepreneur to artist. I just submitted 2 experimental pieces of 12 x 12 x 2 wood panels for the Maranda Pleasant Holiday Art Box Show. Neither of my pieces turned out as I had envisioned, of course. Nevertheless, this is a tres cool art event that I'm happy and excited to be part of for the first time.   Art, food, wine, music. Perfect! I got a sneak peak and it's amazing to see how a 12x12 frame can be transformed into so many one-of-a-kind pieces of art!

I had spent a few weeks doing research and contemplating what kind of mediums to use: paper, pen, paint, natural dyes, henna, goatskin, and thick leather scraps. I asked lots of art questions and bounced my ideas with artists and friends. (Thank you!) I've been spending after hours at Jerry's Artarama, Tandy Leather Factory, and Hobby Lobby. In the last 4 weeks, I discovered Faber-Castell Pitt Artist Pens (instead of black Sharpie markers), rapidiograph pen sets, how to use and color gesso, how to stain and stretch goatskin with henna, coffee, tea, wine, and how to silkscreen. All of this is completely new to me and the projects were entirely experimental. I love the challenge of trying to do something I've never done before. Creating art is a risky business but the excitement of the unknown is thrilling. I think I am mastering the art of improvisation but I have a lot to learn in finding my creative voice.  What is art what is not?  ...if it moves you, it's art.

Reflections on my 2 experiments...

"Meditation in Space"

As I was drawing the mandalas, I was meditating on the theme of "Transformation" and the meaning(s) of mandalas. I love the symbolism and the depth of the meanings of a mandala: the circle of life, a microcosm and macrocosm of the universe, a tool for meditation... It's fascinating how all things in nature are mandalas from the very nucleus of our body cells, to flowers, to our solar system. (also check out the Mandala Project) For this piece, I was attempting to transform my henna skills into a piece of art and drawing the mandalas was helping me find my center. It is of mandalas in space of different sizes and drawn freehand with sepia ink pen. I painted and sanded 4 layers of gesso and colored the gesso with coffee and tea. That was fun! Originally, I had sketched a large mandala  in the center and one in each of the 4 corners. However, it turned out to be the opposite, a lot of white space and a few small random mandalas. This was a very mentally challenging project for me, especially because I had stayed up all night working on the henna pea-drum project and was already mentally and physically drained. I did not sketch a detailed drawing beforehand. I make it up as the tip of my pen touches the board. I had to be extremely focused with a perfect steady hand. It's being in a meditative space and a calm state of mind. It's finding patience and balance. The most difficult part of it all was knowing when to stop and let go. I could have spent hours adding layer after layer of details but I decided to stop when one of the mandalas got a little smeared. I was gutted but I had to accept it. I do like the simplicity and the contrast between the details of the mandalas and the openness of the white space. As Carl Jung might say, "it is a representation of my unconscious self." Forever transforming...

"Henna Pea-Drum"

I spent most of my time researching, planning, and testing this piece and had high hopes for it but I ran into a lot of obstacles along the way. It was a very long process involving heating whole cloves, a blowdryer, ammonia, henna paste, lemon juice/sugar sealant, and other miscellaneous stuff. I wanted it to be a warm henna peacock on a goatskin canvas illuminated like a lamp. But it didn't quite make it. While I was shopping for the light for my henna peacock lamp, the man at Home Depot said to me, "the project took on a life of its own, huh? That happens!" Art (and life) certainly has it's surprises! Even though you try to plan things out, things don't always happen as you hope and that's ok too! I guess I can say it's at least a drum with a henna peacock on it. Practical art. A Henna Pea-Drum. Why not? In fact, one of my favorite nights of all my travels was spent deep in the Sahara Desert camping, drumming, singing, and speaking English, Arabic, and French with Moroccans and Berbers.  Totally exotic and in the rough...!  I will not give up on the henna lamp and drum idea.

...and through all of this "art" world, what I appreciate the most...

the inspiration
the visual connections
the energy felt
the ideas exchanged
the vibes
the chemistry
the excitement
the chaos
the craziness
the dedication
the perfection
the support
the friendships
the passion and love of creative expression...

Mission Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle

"Shit! I have less than 2 weeks to become an artist," I said to my friends before E.A.S.T. (my first East Austin Studio Tour).  The henna peacock bag idea was conceived one cool night in Austin. I was chillin' in the backyard, drinkin' a Lonestar with my inspiring artist friend and talkin' shop. He started a women's clothing line Darkeyes Clothing where his drawings are silkscreened on shirts and dresses. We put 2 and 2 together and decided I could draw a henna design to silkscreen on canvas bags. Actually, I had the bag idea sitting on my entrepreneurial bookshelf 3 years ago when I was living in a fully-equipped 32-footer 1982 Southwind Winnebago in Arlington, Texas, and working as a Program Coordinator for the Student Conservation Association. I was feeling really green and environmentally friendly at the time and that was when I started using the reusable bags for grocery shopping. I was also still under the influence of the German way because I had just come directly from living in a small German town outside the Ramstein Airforce Base. If you've travelled to Germany, you would immediately notice that the Germans are very environmentally conscious and progressive. At all central shopping areas, you will find several large bins for recycling paper, plastic, and different colored glass bottles. At grocery stores, you don't get plastic bags and they don't pack your groceries for you either. They all use reusable bags. It's totally part of their culture and it's called the Green Dot (Der Gruene Punkt). I remember the first time I was living in Germany in 2000 and went to the market in Hamburg. I panicked when I realized I didn't have a reusable bag to put my groceries in. "How the hell am I going to carry my groceries," I thought. No one warned me and no travel guide even mentioned it. I was ashamed of myself for not having my own reusable bag. Lucky for me, I was able to purchase a plastic bag at the checkout for 10 euro cents but I'm sure the cashier lady was frowning at me.

Now, a decade later, you can see reusable bags sold at most major shopping markets and stores in the U.S. However, we have only recently started advocating the concept of replacing plastic bags with reusable bags. It is great to see the U.S. doing this but we can still do more and be more green.  So please reduce the use of plastic bags, reuse the ones you have, and don't forget to bring your reusable bags with you to the store. Here's why:

The facts: We use well over 500,000,000,000 (that's 500 billion) plastic bags annually, or almost 1 million per minute and they stay on our planet for up to 1,000 years.

The impact: Plastic bags cause over 100,000 sea turtle and other marine animal deaths every year when animals mistaken them for food. Plastic bags don't biodegrade. It takes 10 years to break down into toxic waste that contaminates soil and waterways and enters the food web when animals accidentally ingest them. And there's more of course.  (source: http://www.reusablebags.com/)  Other links to learn more about plastic bags: No Impact Man Blog, Natural Environment,http://www.earthday.net/plasticbags

(please scroll down to the bottom to purchase a bag.)

It will be an amazing cultural transformation when we are all using reusable bags for our groceries and only using plastic bags when in desperation or if we've suddenly come down with amnesia. We need to keep advocating environmentally friendly practices and hopefully in another decade, we won't see plastic bags in our grocery stores anymore or be using other harmful plastics for that matter. So, my henna peacock bag project is killing 2 birds with 1 stone (no pun intended). Not only did I start drawing after having taken only 1 drawing class in high school but I transformed my drawing into a side entrepreneurial project with an environmental cause. It would make sense that the more we like a bag, the more we will use it. Plus, these are special bags that are not made of ordinary cotton, it's 100% recycled cotton! Be aware of using cheap quality bags that won't last long and will end up in the trash after a short time. It's nice when you can have a bag that is eco-friendly, durable, practical, locally made, meaningful, attractive, artsy and affordable - all in one! I so enjoyed coming out as an artist and the process of making these bags and I hope you enjoy using it (frequently) too.  Thanks again to JLaw, Big Medium and all my family, friends and fans who have shown your excitement and support for my henna peacock drawings and bags.  I am inspired by you. Thank you! Love, Peace, and Namaste, LPN

Escaped artist "American Dreaming..."

What IS the "American Dream?"  Traditionally, it is the dream of fame, success, and wealth.  In history, it is "that dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for every man, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement." [first used by James Truslow Adams in his book The Epic of America, 1931]  I like this.  For my parents, I think the "American Dream" is having the freedom and opportunity to lead a happy successful life and anyone can achieve it with hard work. This is what makes America so great. It truly is a land of freedom and opportunity where anything is possible, if you work for it. I share the same "American Dream" as my parents, but with my own little twist.  The twist being the definition of happiness and success.  Naturally, this is different for everyone.

This week, the Austin Asian American Film Festival is premiering All About Dad, a comedy about a Vietnamese-American family with generational and cultural gaps.  The main character, Ty Do (I also have the same household nickname), tells his dad he doesn't want to be a doctor, but rather a filmmaker.  I, myself, am in a similar boat. Growing up in a very traditional Vietnamese and Catholic family, my Dad constantly reminded me that if I don't work hard for my education and career, my future would not be so bright.  And he was absolutely right.  Thank God I listened to him!  I studied biology and women's studies, got a Fulbright scholarship and a Master's degree.  I thought I was doing it all right, but there's something that still doesn't feel quite right for me. I've come to realize that my parents' idea of happiness and success is not the same as mine.

Finally, after years of working hard for a good education and a stable career while trying to figure out who I am and what I really want to do, I've decided to take a turn to the wild side.  I am exploring my creative side.  It's ironic that the same parent that I get my creative side from is the same parent that would love for me to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or teacher. I don't want to quit my public health career that I've invested so much in, I just want to transform my creative side into something more tangible for my future.  So, here I am, living in Austin, Texas (the perfect city for aspiring artists and entrepreneurs) and at a fork in my journey, where the options are endless and I have the freedom to choose my destination. For me, the "American Dream" is not about success, fame or wealth.  It's about what makes you happy. I'm a boat girl, so whatever floats my boat, right? Seriously, it means having the freedom and opportunity to do whatever makes you happy and only you can determine your idea of success. This is often taken for granted because not everyone can do this (if you've been to a Third World country, you know what I mean).  But fortunately, I can. I am an aspiring artist who has been dreaming and has escaped....with my first henna design to be screenprinted on 100% recycled cotton canvas bags. Keep on dreaming America!    

The Phamily's escape...for the "American Dream"

In March 1980, my parents fled Vietnam, their homeland. I was only 16 months old and a tiny baby girl that used to ride in the front basket of my grandfather's bicycle. I have no memory of it all, the suffering, the boat escape. Yet, I can play it in my mind like it was an old movie I've seen long ago. There was not a day that my Dad failed to remind my siblings and I to thank God that my Phamily was so blessed to have survived the War, the boat escape, and for everything that we have today. I almost feel like I lived it with all the stories my Dad told and repeated throughout my childhood (and to this very day). But I’m also glad I don’t remember. When I think of my parents today, I simply cannot imagine what it must have been like for them to escape by boat, leave their loved ones, and risk their own lives for freedom. This is the story of my Phamily's escape and of thousands of Vietnamese boat people.

We were a young family of 6, my Dad, 40 years, my Mom, 29 years, my sister, 9 years, my brother, 6 years, myself, and my younger sister, 6 months cozy in my Mom's belly. My Dad was a lieutenant in the South Vietnamese Army and a history and geography teacher before that. He had just spent 2 years in "re-education camp" where he invented a mousetrap with his bowl of rice just to have protein to survive. My Dad was anxious and desperate to get on the first boat out of the country. After multiple failed attempts and losing all their life savings to scammers, my grandmother was able to borrow enough money, around 6k USD in 1980, for my Dad and brother to try again, to leave on an organized boat escape. My Dad did not want to leave my Mom and I behind, but he had no choice. We didn't have enough money. This time, my parents' luck turned around. The organizer was a very honest and good-hearted man. He let my sister go for free and got all three of them safely to a refugee camp near Bangkok, Thailand. They sailed for 2 days 2 nights. They were so thirsty that when it rained, my Dad caught drops of rainwater in his palms for my sister, just barely enough to wet the tongue. Stubborn and determined (and rightfully so), my Dad pleaded to the organizer to get my Mom on the next boat escape even though it was not in the plans to do so.  The man promised he would go back and get my Mom. He told my grandmother he would take no one else except my Mom on the next trip.  My grandmother had only from 1PM to 7PM to beg and scramble another 4k USD. This was A LOT of money back then, probably more than all the life savings of a whole village.  The next morning, my Mom and I left for the coast. I was so small, I went free. With God protecting us, my Mom's boat was safe from the Thai pirates who attacked the boats and raped and killed the women and men.  This was another miracle. My Dad said my Mom and I survived the 3 day boat trip only because of a lemon juice and sugar solution he had made but had forgotten. This was a huge blessing, 3 lives saved for the cost of 1. After weeks of seeing boat after boat unload and no wife and daughter, my Dad had lost hope. On April 30, 1980, which happened to be the 5th year anniversary of the Fall of Saigon, his friend said that his wife had arrived on a boat. My Dad didn't believe him and thought he was joking but when he saw my Mom and I, he couldn't be a happier man. When my Dad tried to hold me, I wouldn't let him, but I'm sure I was happy to see him too.  The months at the refugee camp were harsh. We had lost all our jewelry that was sewn in our clothes. My sister did not want my Dad to sell the gold necklace because it was a souvenir that my Mom had given her. In the end, it fell out of my Dad's shirt pocket where he had pinned it, so they had nothing. My Mom was pregnant and we kept crying for food.  We survived only on a bottle cap of water and an egg a day, for the whole Phamily. My brother and sister split the egg and my Dad ate just rice and soy sauce.

Only a short 5 months later, my Phamily was sponsored to Michigan by my uncle and a few loving families from a Detroit Catholic Church. Sponsoring Vietnamese refugees was a very controversial issue at the time. And we were sponsored because we met the condition that we were a "complete" family, which was very rare. On October 15, 1980, we arrived in Detroit, Michigan, where my Mom saw snow for the first time and thought it was cotton balls falling from the sky! It is amazing that in a short span of 6 months, my Phamily had split, escaped, survived, reunited, had a baby, and started a new life, pursuing the "American Dream." This is why my Dad named my sister "Freedom."  Some say the “American Dream” is dead. It’s not. My parents' dream started on a boat and they were blessed by God, miracle after miracle.  They found life where there was death all around.  Now, their journey continues with me, the pursuit of love, peace, freedom, and happiness - the "American Dream" with my own little twist.